After 4 and a half years...I am once again, single.

I've had the worst 2 weeks of my life. Which is the total opposite to the amazing 3 weeks I had overseas.

After 4 and a half years my boyfriend and I have broken up. It was the most worst break up ever. I had been unhappy with the relationship for probably about 2 years but hung in there and did everything I could to make it work while he did absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. It was almost like he was my child, the way I took care of him. I lent him money which I never got back, helped him with a budget that he never kept to, washed his clothes, stuck by him through 2 court cases, drove him around when he lost his licence, made his lunch every day, put up with his gambling problem which has put me in debt, let him move into my bedroom because his lease had run out, paid his bills for him. And what did he ever to for me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I booked this trip to America and Mexico purely for ME. I needed to do something for myself otherwise I was going to lose my mind. "leave him!" people would say but I wasn't strong enough to and I needed him to pay me back the money he borrowed. I wish I was strong enough to have left him because I knew he wouldn't break up with me - I did too much for him to give that up!

In the end, the resentment grew in me, more and more and while I was on contiki I cheated on him with a guy in my tour. I hated myself because cheating is the thing I dispise the most in the world but...and it sounds clique, it made me feel alive!! I hadn't felt like that in over 2 years. It was so good to have someone want me, to be chased, to be taken care of.  

About 2 weeks after I got back, I stupidly didn't log out of my facebook and he read a private msg I had sent to a friend about the other guy. He then admitted that he had cheated on me while I was away with some random chick at a pub. I was gutted. Gutted that he had found out and gutted that he had done the same to me.

Then I got angry. I was the one who was unhappy! I did everything for him! I got nothing from him! I was the one who was used! Why did he cheat??? He had no reason to cheat! He reckons he was unhappy too. A total crock of shit if you ask me! Typical fucking guy. No matter what you do for them, there's still a chance they'll fuck you over.

Obviously the relationship is over.

The worst thing is that he is still living at my house and in the same room. It is really blurring the lines. The 1st week was horrible. Name calling (I believe 'slut' was used), being distant, not knowing how to act with each other. This 2nd week has been much more friendlier but even more confusing. We know we're not together yet still acting like we normally would (without the hello and goodbye kiss). So you can imagine what this is doing to my head and heart!

The worst thing of all is that I am STILL doing everything for him!!! I don't know why but I am. Stupid I know.

I've never been so confused in my life and never thought I'd be in this situation.