After 4 and a half years...I am once again, single.

I've had the worst 2 weeks of my life. Which is the total opposite to the amazing 3 weeks I had overseas.

After 4 and a half years my boyfriend and I have broken up. It was the most worst break up ever. I had been unhappy with the relationship for probably about 2 years but hung in there and did everything I could to make it work while he did absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. It was almost like he was my child, the way I took care of him. I lent him money which I never got back, helped him with a budget that he never kept to, washed his clothes, stuck by him through 2 court cases, drove him around when he lost his licence, made his lunch every day, put up with his gambling problem which has put me in debt, let him move into my bedroom because his lease had run out, paid his bills for him. And what did he ever to for me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I booked this trip to America and Mexico purely for ME. I needed to do something for myself otherwise I was going to lose my mind. "leave him!" people would say but I wasn't strong enough to and I needed him to pay me back the money he borrowed. I wish I was strong enough to have left him because I knew he wouldn't break up with me - I did too much for him to give that up!

In the end, the resentment grew in me, more and more and while I was on contiki I cheated on him with a guy in my tour. I hated myself because cheating is the thing I dispise the most in the world but...and it sounds clique, it made me feel alive!! I hadn't felt like that in over 2 years. It was so good to have someone want me, to be chased, to be taken care of.  

About 2 weeks after I got back, I stupidly didn't log out of my facebook and he read a private msg I had sent to a friend about the other guy. He then admitted that he had cheated on me while I was away with some random chick at a pub. I was gutted. Gutted that he had found out and gutted that he had done the same to me.

Then I got angry. I was the one who was unhappy! I did everything for him! I got nothing from him! I was the one who was used! Why did he cheat??? He had no reason to cheat! He reckons he was unhappy too. A total crock of shit if you ask me! Typical fucking guy. No matter what you do for them, there's still a chance they'll fuck you over.

Obviously the relationship is over.

The worst thing is that he is still living at my house and in the same room. It is really blurring the lines. The 1st week was horrible. Name calling (I believe 'slut' was used), being distant, not knowing how to act with each other. This 2nd week has been much more friendlier but even more confusing. We know we're not together yet still acting like we normally would (without the hello and goodbye kiss). So you can imagine what this is doing to my head and heart!

The worst thing of all is that I am STILL doing everything for him!!! I don't know why but I am. Stupid I know.

I've never been so confused in my life and never thought I'd be in this situation.


nostalgia. said...

i just read this post and i swear to god every sentence felt like i was reading about myself!! i have been in the exact same situation for the past 2 years and it got me so low that i ended up feeling suicidal. it's only now that i'm starting to pick myself up. my ex is a low life, plain and simple. i too would do everything for him, i felt like his bloody mother!! he owes me over $500 in money as well which i've basically kissed goodbye, stolen my posessions to sell for money, cheated on me too many times to count..we recently tried to give it another go and what do you know he fucked off with another girl again. basically my self-esteem became so low i just didn't give a shit about myself, being treated like that makes you feel like you aren't good enough for anyone. i'm feeling down again knowing that he's left me for someone else again but at least this time i have more insight. he is refusing to give back the key he has to my house which is a bit of an issue. basically, i know exactly how you feel, don't think you are alone. be strong, know that you are worth more than being treated like shit..it's taken me a long time to figure that out for myself. start doing things just for yourself on a regular basis..the contiki tour would have been great. i've recently joined a gym and taken up yoga classes. meet new people, do whatever you need to do to help you move on and don't look back..cause from experience you think they've changed but before you know it you're stuck in the same rut again. sending lots of love to you. i wouldn't wish this situation upon anyone. please feel free to contact me if you ever want to vent..rhiannonjackson@hotmail.com

Bron said...

Thanks so much for your comment! As much as I hate hearing that someone else is in pretty much the same position as me, it's also nice to know i'm not alone.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, your guy sounds like a complete arse, just like mine.
I'm astounded at how these guys can treat us like utter pieces of garbage and still wake up in the morning and call themselves men.
I'm trying to remain positive.
My previous relationship before this disaster lasted 2 years and once we broke up i found out he had cheated on me for a whole year of it. I did eventually bounce back from that but it took a long time.
And it did give me trust issues going into this last relationship.
I'm actually afraid of what issues i'm going to get from this relationship...and if i've gone from 1 bad relationship to another (even though the 1st 2 years were amazing), what hope have i got for the future??
I hate that girls seem to always the ones left f*cked up and guys seem to just cruise along, not caring about anything but themselves.
I too have joined the gym and have been going about 3 times a week to get fit and to do something to take my mind off him.
Thank you for your kind words and I've taken note of your email addy for any future vents.

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